Warning Signs of an Abusive PersonalityIt is sometimes possible to predict the likelihood of the person you are currently or are about to become involved with being abusive. Below are a list of behaviours and traits which are common in abusive personalities. These are commonly known as Warning Signs.While not all abusive people show the same signs, or display the tendencies to the same extent, if several behavioural traits are present, there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness. Generally, the more signs are present, the greater the likelihood of violence. In some cases, an abuser may have only a couple of behavioural traits that can be recognized, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things). Often the abuser will initially try to explain his/her behaviour as signs of his/her love and concern, and the victim may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviours become more severe and serve to dominate, control and manipulate the victim. | Related Pages: |
JealousyAt the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He/she may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him/her. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you'll meet someone else, check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you. Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.Controlling BehaviourControlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you told him/her you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he/she was not involved in. As this behaviour gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalise you for making the wrong ones. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not.Quick InvolvementMany victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser will often claim 'love at first sight', that you are 'made for each other', or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could understand him so well. He/she may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He/she needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him/her or make love before you feel the relationship has reached 'that stage'. He/she may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself to him/her.Unrealistic ExpectationsThe abuser may expects you to be the perfect husband, wife, mother, father, lover, and friend. He/she is very dependent on you for all his/her needs, and may tell you he/she can fulfil all your needs as lover, friend, and companion. Statements such as: 'lf you love me, I'm all you need.', 'You are all I need.' are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him/her emotionally, practically, financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.IsolationThe abuser may try to curtail your social interaction. He/she may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places 'together'. He/she may accuse you of being 'tied to your mother's apron strings', not be committed to the relationship, or view people who are your personal friends as 'causing trouble' or 'trying to put a wedge' between you. He/she may want to live in the country without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications.Blame-shifting for ProblemsVery rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem. If they are unemployed, can't hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family, it is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get him. He/she may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him/her or preventing him/her from doing as they wished to.Blame-shifting for FeelingsThe abuser will deny feelings stem from within him/her but see them as reactions to your behaviour or attitude toward him/her. He/she may tell you that 'you make me mad', 'you're hurting me by not doing what I ask', or that he/she cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc. Feelings may be used to manipulate you, i.e. 'I would not be angry if you didn't ...' Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside the abuser, but are more difficult to detect. Statements such as 'You make me happy' or 'You make me feel good about myself' are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for his sense of well-being. Either way, you become in his/her mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore responsible for his/her emotional well-being and happiness. Consequently, you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger, upset or depression.HypersensitivityMost abusers have very low self-esteem and are therefore easily insulted or upset. They may claim their feelings are 'hurt' when they are really angry, or take unrelated comments as personal attacks. They may perceive normal set-backs (having to work additional hours, being asked to help out, receiving a parking fine, etc.) as grave personal injustices. They may view your preference for something which differs from their own as a criticism of their taste and therefore themselves (e.g. blue wallpaper rather than pink, etc.).Cruelty to AnimalsThe abuser may punishes animals brutally, be insensitive to their pain or suffering, or neglect to care for the animals to the point of cruelty, e.g. not feeding them all day, leaving them in areas he/she knows will cause them suffering or distress. There is a strong correlation between cruelty to animals and domestic violence which is still being researched. (For more information and personal experiences, see Domestic Violence and Cruelty to Animals.)Cruelty to ChildrenThe abusers unrealistic expectations of their partner are often mirrored in their attitude toward children. He/she will think of children as 'small adults' and blame the children for not being responsible, having common sense or understanding. He/she may expect children to be capable far beyond their ability (e.g. is angry with a two-year old for wetting their pants or being sick on the carpet, waking at night or being upset by nightmares) and will often meet out punishments for 'naughtiness' the child could not be aware of. Abusers may tease children until they cry, or punish children way beyond what could be deemed appropriate. He/she may not want children to eat at the table, expect them to stay quiet, or keep to their room all evening while he/she is at home. Since abusers want all your attention themselves, they resent your spending time with the children or any normal demands and needs the children may have. As above (cruelty to animals), there is a very strong link between Domestic Violence and Child Abuse.'Playful' use of Force in SexHe/she may pressurise you to agree to forceful or violent acts during sex, or want to act out fantasies where you are helpless. A male abuser may let you know that the idea of "rape" excites him. He/she may show little concern about whether you want to have intercourse and uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. Starting sex while you are sleeping, demanding sex when you are ill or tired, or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go 'all the way' can all be signs that he/she could be sexually abusive or sexually violent.Rigid Gender RolesAbusers usually believe in stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to serve him; stay at home, obey him in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. A male abuser will often see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship. Female abusers may expect the man to provide for them entirely, shift the responsibility for her well-being onto him or heckle him as being 'not a real man' if he shows any weakness or emotion.Verbal AbuseIn addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments. Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid', could not manage without him/her. He/she may keep you up all night to 'sort this out once and for all' or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family.Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. HydeVery rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world (often they have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local community or Church) and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration. This Jeckyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders. Many victims describe "sudden" changes in mood - one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad. This does not indicate some special "mental problem" but are typical of abusive personalities, and related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.Drink or Substance AbuseWhile neither drinking or the use of drugs are signs of an abusive personality, heavy drinking or drug abuse may be a warning sign and do increase the risks of abuse, especially violence, taking place. Often an abusive person will blame the drink for his/her abuse. However, a person who, knowing there is a risk he/she could be violent when drinking or on drugs, chooses to get drunk or high, is in effect choosing to abuse. The link between substance abuse and domestic abuse is still being researched, and it is apparent that while neither alcohol nor drugs necessarily cause violence, they do increase the risk of violence. (See What about alcohol and domestic abuse?)History of Battering or Sexual ViolenceVery rarely is abuse or violence a one-off event: a batterer will beat any woman he is with; a sexually abusive person will be abusive toward all his intimate partners. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Sometimes friends or family may try to warn you about the abuser. Sometimes the abuser may tell you himself/herself that he/she has hit or sexually assaulted someone in the past. However, they may further go on to explain that "she made me do it by ..." or in some other way not take responsibility and shift the blame on to the victim. They may tell you that it won't happen with you because "you love them enough to prevent it" or "you won't be stupid enough to wind me up that much". Once again, this is denying their own responsibility for the abuse, and shifting the responsibility for the relationship to remain abuse-free on to you. Past violence is one of the strongest pointers that abuse will occur. If at all possible, try to speak to their previous girlfriends.Negative Attitude toward WomenSome men may tell you that you are different to all the women they have known before, who display a lack of respect of women generally or who talk negatively and disrespectfully of their previous wives or girlfriends. They may tell you that you are special, not like the others and that they consider themselves to be the luckiest man alive to have found the last decent woman. It is not likely to be long before they remember that you are a woman and don't deserve their respect.Threatening ViolenceThis would obviously include any threat of physical force such as "If you speak to him/her again, I'll kill you", or "If any wife of mine acted like John's did, I'd give her a right seeing to". Threats are designed to manipulate and control you, to keep you in your place and prevent you making your own decisions. Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behaviour by saying "everybody talks like that.", maintaining he/she is only saying this because the relationship or you are so important to him/her, tell you you're "over-sensitive" for being upset by such threats, or obviously want to hurt him/her. Threats can also be less overt, such as "If you leave me, I will kill myself", or "You are so wonderful, I will never let you go/couldn't live without you".Breaking or Striking ObjectsThe abusive person may break your treasured object, beat his/her fists on the table or chair or throw something at or past you. Breaking your things is often used as a punishment for some imagined misdeed on your part. Sometimes it will be justified by saying that now that you are with him/her, you don't need these items any more. Breaking your possessions also has the effect of de-personalising you, denying you your individuality or literally trying to break links to your past. Beating items of furniture or throwing objects will often be justified by saying you wound him/her up so much they lost control, once again shifting the blame for this behaviour on to you, but is actually used to terrorise you into submission. Only very immature or abusive people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten or intimidate them.Any Force during an ArgumentAn abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room, lash out at you with his/her hand or another object, pin you against a wall or shout 'right in your face'. Basically any form of force used during an argument can be a sign that actual violence is a strong possibility.The above list was prepared with reference toA Guide to recognizing Behaviors of Abusive persons, Cheektowaga Police Department, (link no longer active - sorry!)Signs To Look For In A Battering Personality, free2bme2k, (link no longer active - sorry!) my own experiences, and those of other survivors of DV with whom I have had the privilege of discussing this topic. Further Links which may be useful:Mr Wrong or Mr Right - a brief guide by Pat Craven from the Freedom ProgrammeBack to Who is the Abuser? |
Surviving Domestic Violence - By Lesley Ann Burns (Was Holmes)
This is my story of my experience of Domestic Abuse inflicted by my Ex-Husband. It began 20 years ago and ended approx 8 years ago. I am in recovery and I hope my journey can help & inspire others to break free from Domestic Violence and make the journey of recovery too.
Sunday 14 November 2010
Warning Signs Of An Abusive Personality
Who Is The Abuser?
Who is the Abuser?After the more dramatic and publicised Domestic Abuse stories hit the headlines, one often hears comments such as "what sort of Monster would do that" or "Nobody I know would do that sort of thing!". The assumption seems to be that all abuser walk around with a big A for 'abuser' on their forehead, are easily discernable by anyone 'normal' and always comply with the stereotypical image.In actual fact one of the main problems encountered by victims, friends, family and various agencies dealing with the consequences of an abusive relationship, is how 'normal' the abuser seemed, how unlike the image so frequently portrayed by the media. We may expect an abuser to be male, big, working-class, prone to being drunk, un-shaven, heterosexual, ... (fill in the blanks!). However, an abuser is just as likely to be gay, a white-collar worker, a religious leader or clean-shaven. Sometimes the abuser is also a woman. In this section of Hidden Hurt I am trying to address the question of who the abuser actually is, are there any tell-tale signs which could indicate an abusive personality, how does an abusive relationship actually work, if you think you may abusive, where do you get help, and above all, why does one person abuse another, and is there any hope of the abuse stopping? Please click on the links below for some of the answers to these questions.
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Religion & Domestic Violence
Religion and Domestic ViolenceWhy consider the religious or spiritual issues? Because these are fundamental not only to the believing victim and abuser as well as their Church, but also to all those who live in a culture which is largely based upon Christian moral values and traditions.Religious people across all denominations are not exempt from Domestic Abuse, however, there appears to be a serious lack of understanding regarding abuse and the dynamics of abusive relationships and their impact upon the lives of people involved within churches and demoninations generally. When considering Domestic Abuse we have to realise that religious or spiritual factors are central to the victim's understanding and response. His/her own faith and the support of Church members can be vital in helping the healing process, while a lack of understanding regarding the Biblical perspective on abusive relationships by the victim or those he/she turns to for spiritual guidance and support can add to the emotional, physical and financial hurdles already faced. | In this Section:
Personal Stories from Believers:
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Many women in abusive relationships feel they ought to submit to their husbands out of duty, that they have no right over their own body, life or even opinions. Quite often this misconception is furthered by advice from clergy, elders, rabbis or other members of the Church or congregation. Some men may feel trapped by their beliefs in an abusive relationship, unsure of their position towards their wives or girl-friends. Some men may feel that unless they lord it over their partners, they are not doing as they ought to in the sight of God, that their position is one of Master, of Lord of the household. Often quotations or excerpts from the Bible are used to justify abusive behaviour, or the suppression by one member of the household of another. The Mission Statement by the organisation 'Christians for Biblical Equality', states clearly and with plenty of references back to the Bible, just what the position of both Men and Women is in relation to each other, in Church, in Society and in the Family, and makes an excellent starting-point for those confused about or interested in clarifying their positions within the context of their Church or creed. Please check out the article under the following link: Many victims of abuse turn to their church leader for advice on how to deal with the abuse, whether it is acceptable in the sight of the Lord to leave the abuser, is divorce an option which is acceptable to the Lord, can the Church help to stop the abuse, hold the abuser accountable, help to protect the victim and children? How then should the Elder, Priest, Rabbi or Priest respond? The following guidelines have been drawn up by the Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Abuse, and provide vital advice for spiritual leaders of any Church or denomination trying to help both the abused and the abuser: One of the main dilemnas facing both the victim of abuse and the Church leaders and/or members when dealing with the perpetrator of Domestic Violence, is the question of Forgiveness. Should we forgive the abuser unconditionally? How do we tell if repentance has taken place? Should the acts be forgiven and forgotten? For the victim, is it her/his duty to forgive each incident, act as though nothing had happened and continue to put herself/himself at risk from the abuser? Do we need to be forgiven ourselves and is that forgiveness available to us?
Christian victims of domestic violence face the same hurdles to leaving an abusive relationship as do other victims, but they also have religious or biblical concerns, which make it difficult even getting to the stage of admitting abuse is happening without fearing 'eternal condemnation'. We may also ask ourselves whether our experience within the relationship is what God intended for us, whether being fearful in our marriage is an aspect of love?
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The Effect of Witnessing Domestic Abuse
The Effect of Witnessing Abuse
Many children who witness the abuse of their mothers demonstrate significant behavioural and/or emotional problems including psychosomatic disorders, stuttering, anxiety and fears, sleep disruption, excessive crying and problems at school.How your child or children will be affected depends on the individual child, their age and gender, how much they witness and whether or not they are personally involved in the abuse, their personality and support available to them. Although research in this field is still largely lacking, it is generally agreed that Domestic Violence or Abuse is highly relevant to the child's present and future well-being, and that there is a significant overlap with child abuse.
In brief,children may experience any of the following problems:
It has to be remembered that even in situations where the child is either not targeted directly with abuse or is 'only' witnessing abuse, it can lead to very serious psychological trauma with possible long-term effects, affecting not only the child's well-being during or shortly after the abuse, but affecting the child's ability to build and maintain healthy relationships in his/her adult life. | A Childhood LostI am the eldest one of three I have two brothers younger than me When we were growing up our lives were sad Living at home with our mum and dad We had no money and very little food He spent it on drink and came home in a mood The teachers at my school said how well I did They must have known the secrets I hid How may pairs of glasses can one woman break? The bruises, the marks, the lives at stake That's why we slept out on the streets at night For me it was safer, so we used to take flight Away from the man supposed to protect Out into the darkness, did anyone suspect? For if we stayed I knew what it would mean A beating for mum would be heard or seen I envied my friends, they had happy lives With dads who actually loved their wives I am now older with kids of my own My dad's 56 and now lives alone He lost his kids, his home and his wife He's dying of cancer, now he's losing his life He’s no longer scary, he's no longer bad He's a Grandad who's dying, but he's still my dad. |
Standing Tall
Standing Tall
Breathing, looking, feeling and walking
Deciding, choosing, living and talking
Just like a developing child; an adolescent learning
Just like an endless beginning a genuine yearning
Deciding, choosing, living and talking
Just like a developing child; an adolescent learning
Just like an endless beginning a genuine yearning
Independent, supported or alone
Beg, borrow, or maybe one day I’ll even own
There is definitely a light and it is calling me
Close my eyes spread my wings and I will fly free
Beg, borrow, or maybe one day I’ll even own
There is definitely a light and it is calling me
Close my eyes spread my wings and I will fly free
No more shame, pretend, cheap smiles and lies
No more ifs, buts, maybes or whys?
Who are you? What do you want? How do you sleep?
I know now I am not your possession to abuse and keep
No more ifs, buts, maybes or whys?
Who are you? What do you want? How do you sleep?
I know now I am not your possession to abuse and keep
You were right, it’s dramatic, and all for show
But it was you in the lead role, so desperate to grow
Like a parasite you tried to consume and destroy my life
Like a human being I tried to be your partner, friend and wife
But it was you in the lead role, so desperate to grow
Like a parasite you tried to consume and destroy my life
Like a human being I tried to be your partner, friend and wife
Go back to where you came from; it is what you do best
Go back to being nothing,; an annoying little pest
And when you get there be sure look up high
Can you see me beaming brightly, lighting up the sky
Go back to being nothing,; an annoying little pest
And when you get there be sure look up high
Can you see me beaming brightly, lighting up the sky
Each night I am reminded that you are evil, selfish and vile
Each night I am reminded how lucky I am, blessed and smile
You should see them now you’ve gone; happy, confident and born again
All their own work, they erased you and survived any pain
Each night I am reminded how lucky I am, blessed and smile
You should see them now you’ve gone; happy, confident and born again
All their own work, they erased you and survived any pain
It was much easier than I thought; you can’t miss what was never there
But unlike you, I did feel true love, I wanted to grow, experience and share
What a waste, a pointless thought and an unwanted gift
All you saw was credibility, an excuse and blame to shift
But unlike you, I did feel true love, I wanted to grow, experience and share
What a waste, a pointless thought and an unwanted gift
All you saw was credibility, an excuse and blame to shift
It is getting closer, that beautiful light calling me
Close my eyes spread my wings and I am flying free
It’s over, just give up and please let us be
Never again imprisoned, now and forever I’m holding the key
Close my eyes spread my wings and I am flying free
It’s over, just give up and please let us be
Never again imprisoned, now and forever I’m holding the key
Your self-pity and fairy tales fall on deaf ears
Your stories and lies create no sympathy tears
One by one everyone is hearing the truth
T.R.U.T.H. comes with real evidence and proof
Your stories and lies create no sympathy tears
One by one everyone is hearing the truth
T.R.U.T.H. comes with real evidence and proof
I swear this is the final night you will give me no sleep
There’s no master plan or cunning revenge for me to reap
You are a lonely little man, idiot, bully, gambling fool
You’ve lost again; tough guy but I’ve got it all
Do you feel small?
Pathetic and cruel
Down, down you fall
At last I am standing tall
...We’ve got it all
There’s no master plan or cunning revenge for me to reap
You are a lonely little man, idiot, bully, gambling fool
You’ve lost again; tough guy but I’ve got it all
Do you feel small?
Pathetic and cruel
Down, down you fall
At last I am standing tall
...We’ve got it all
Marital Rape
Marital Rape
- The main differences between stranger rape and marital rape
- Different types of rape
- The problem of defining Marital Rape as Rape
- Further information and resources on Marital Rape
- Poll: Do you think Marital/Intimate Rape should be penalised the same as Stranger Rape?
- Recovering from Marital Rape: a Personal Journey
Rape is Rape.
Rape is rape, regardless of the relationship between the rapist and the victim. It can be a total stranger; someone you recognise by sight, but have never really communicated with; someone you know superficially, a neighbour or a colleague; a friend, a boy-friend or a former boyfriend; a live-in partner, or a former partner; someone you are married to or have been married to in the past.Rape is a very personal and intimate traumatic experience. Our experiences of and reactions to rape may differ widely, and although there are many similarities in the way that we feel about being the victim of rape, regardless of the relationship between us and the rapist, there are differences between stranger and intimate rape, and in this section I am trying to describe and offer an understanding of some of the specific problems regarding marital rape (or rape by an intimate) as opposed to stranger rape.
Please note that in this page I refer to wives and husbands, however, it can be understood to refer to all rapes perpetrated by an intimate. Also, I am only looking at rape and sexual assault on women, since this is by far the most common situation, though rape and sexual abuse also occur too frequently in same-sex relationships.
The main differences between stranger rape and marital rape
Stranger rape is usually a one-off, someone you don't know, with whom you don't share any experiences or history. When the assault happens, there can be no doubt as to what is happening: that it is Rape (though even in such situations the victim will often wonder what she has done to precipitate the assault and will blame herself). In marital rape the circumstances are very different. It is - quite apart from a physical and sexual violation - a betrayal of trust. Here is a person whom you thought you knew intimately, with whom you share a history, a home and quite often children. Here is a person whom you have made love to on a frequent basis often over many years, with whom you have shared your most intimate secrets and fears, and whom you believe to love you, want the best for you, who would never intentionally hurt you. Marital rape is so destructive because it betrays the fundamental basis of the marital relationship, because it questions every understanding you have not only of your partner and the marriage, but of yourself. You end up feeling betrayed, humiliated and, above all, very confused.Also, while stranger rape is a sexual act of violence outside (as in: apart from) the victims normal relationships, marital rape has to be understood in the context of an abusive relationship, that is, in the context of emotional and possibly physical abuse."When it is the person you have entrusted your life to who rapes you, it isn’t just physical or sexual assault, it is a betrayal of the very core of your marriage, of your person, of your trust."
One of the differences between stranger and intimate rape is that stranger rape will nearly always involve a certain degree of physical violence (one notable exception to this is rape involving the date rape drug) while a lot of cases of marital rape will involve coercion and only enough force to control the victim, known as 'force-only' rapes (see below).
Another problem victims of marital rape face is that such instances are rarely a one-off, but a repeated if not frequent occurance. This can be a huge issue to the victim, because she will feel as though she has somehow 'asked for it' by staying or putting herself in the situation where it can happen again. Also, once it has been tolerated on a number of occassions, she may question her right to then act upon it.
Different types of rape
Marital rape is generally sub-divided into three categories: those rapes which involve a degree of violence, those that use enough force to control the victim, known as 'force-only' rapes, and sadistic rapes.- Violent rape occurs, as the name suggests, when the abuser uses enough physical violence to cause injury to the victim, apart from any injuries due to the rape itself, ie injuries to the genital area or breasts. Examples would include the husband punching his wife or injuring her with a knife - the rape being part of a violent assault, or the violence being a part of the rape. Many abusers will also force their wives to submit to sexual acts after a physical assault, either to prove her forgiveness or to further intimidate and humiliate her - and if the wife should refuse such an act, even the threat of further violence (or a previous experience!) will soon ensure her compliance.
- 'Force-only' rape is usually understood to include only enough force used on the part of the abuser to control or hold his wife in position, eg holding down the victim by her arms or wrists to prevent her defending herself or escaping. This form of rape is common where there is a larger contrast between the physical size and strength of abuser and victim, or in abusive relationships where physical violence is infrequent or non-existent (insofar as one does not categorise sexual assault itself as a violent act). In most cases of 'force-only' rape, coercion plays a large part. The victim may also be so confused and numbed by constant emotional abuse, that she simply does not know how to act or react when sex is forced on her.
- Sadistic rape is sometimes also present. This tends to indicate that in addition to the rape itself, the victim is either forced to comply with or undergo deeds designed to further humiliate her. Examples of this would be the abuser/rapist urinating on the victim, acting out a fantasy of torturer, or using other object during a rape. Sadistic rape may or may not involve further violence. Some people consider buggery as a sadistic form of rape, since its effect on victim is often particularly humiliating.
Other reasons a woman may not fight back are so as not to disturb children sleeping nearby, thereby risking them witnessing the rape; shock or confusion at what is happening which paralyses her; and real concern for her abuser, which results in her not wanting to do anything which may harm or injure her rapist even to the detrement of herself."I tried to push him off me, so he grabbed both my arms and flung them above my head, held them there and continued ... He held my arms by the wrists with one of his hands and held them so tight and with so much of his weight on them, that they really hurt and then started losing any sensation. When he finally let go I did not make the same mistake again ..."
Research seems to indicate that in the context of an abusive relationship, the woman is most likely to be subjected to rape towards the end of the relationship, or after she has left, though several women have reported that their boyfriends raped them at the very beginning of their relationship - which is reminiscent of the ancient custom of capturing and raping women to be able to claim them as wives. It would appear that where rape starts in an established relationship, that rape is often used by an abuser when other control tactics, such as isolation or emotional abuse are no longer sufficient to maintain his power and hold over her, or to punish her for either leaving or trying to leave. Only too often, this works.
Are You a Domestic Violence Survivor?
Are You a Domestic Violence Survivor?
"Surviving" is a subject that brings up many questions about overcoming domestic violence. Those who are in abusive relationships or who have left abusive partners are often referred to as victims, former victims, or survivors. To some, they are all just terms with common meanings. To others, the terms may share a commonality in experience (domestic violence and abuse) - but they indicate a different level of progress or stage in a person's outlook on life and the role abuse is allowed or not allowed to play.In the opening text of my book, "Dear Lord, Deliver Me From This Hell", readers find the following comment: The definition of "survival" is:
(1) act or fact of surviving; continuance of life; living or lasting longer than others;I have lived past domestic violence, I have outlasted that point in time when I was a victim and moved past it. I found the person inside myself who could not accept domestic violence and made it past that stage in my life to find another way. In short, I regained my self - my own person, welfare, interests and beliefs.
(2) person, thing, custom, or belief, etc., that has lasted from an earlier time.
In 1991 I resolved to have a better life by escaping the abusive marriage. I never turned back. My intent in that opening paragraph is to make one point clear - being a victim and being a survivor are two different things. As the reader of this article, I ask that you consider this concept. Why? Because those who have moved past domestic violence are at a different stage of their life than those who remain there - and understanding that difference will help you to see how domestic violence and abusive relationships are overcome by the individual, and ultimately overcome by society.
The difference in those stages makes all the difference in the world. Not that one (a "victim" or a "survivor") is personally "better" or more intelligent than the other. However, the connotations of the two terms carries a significant difference in their meanings; and therefore has definite implication toward the future of the individual person and societal understanding of the phenomenon of domestic abuse.
Surviving means more than just having lived through yesterday's verbal abuse or last night's physical beating. It means more than just "you are still alive today". For many, surviving means that you have left the emotional, mental and physical captivity of an abuser and have committed yourself to moving on to an improved lifestyle. It also means you have learned or are learning a lot, and accept your inability to change the impossible. It means you also see what you can change and are committed to making that change.
So "what's a victim then?" you might ask. A victim is someone who is still trapped in the relationship. Still trying to resolve the problem and take accountability for the abuser's actions. Still feeling responsible to solve the abusers problems in dealing with others. A victim is still an emotional and mental captive to the abuser's never ending book of tricks and deception. The mental and emotional abuses still work - the victim is dragged back in time and time again by:
- Guilt-playing on the part of the abuser
- Accepting blame for things they (the victim) did not do
- Believing they can somehow help change something for a partner who wants no help
- Seeing the failure as their own instead of the abuser's deliberate attempts to make them (the victim) feel that way
- Enabling the abuse to continue by hoping the abuser will change and remaining or returning to the relationship
A survivor does not do any of those things. A survivor is a former victim. A survivor faces their challenges and becomes empowered by those same challenges. A survivor says to their self, "OK, I can't change this relationship or the abuser, but I can change my life and stop contributing to this situation." A survivor makes a commitment to rid themselves and their life of the perpetrator (abuser). Whereas a victim continues to feel helpless and accept blame, a survivor gathers together their courage and demonstrates their strength in spite of their fears.
A survivor stops listening to the verbal and emotional abuse that tears down their self-esteem - and says "No, that's not true. I am capable. I may be afraid, I may feel defeated and hopeless, but I can change this situation by putting it behind. I will face that challenge and I will not give up! I am not helping myself or the abuser by remaining in this sick relationship." And that point in their life is a significant turning point for the victim who becomes a survivor.
Perhaps that phrase, "turning point", says it all. A survivor has reached the turning point that a victim still cannot see. Reaching that turning point and making the commitment to change their life marks the place in time where one becomes a survivor and refuses to be a victim any longer. That doesn't mean it's easy; that doesn't mean a survivor wakes up one day and suddenly everything is "a piece of cake" and perfectly clear. We still need support; we still have to heal many emotional traumas from a myriad of abuses. We still have to sort out a lot of confusion in our own minds. But that turning point means we see our own mental captivity as a victim and refuse to tolerate it any longer. A survivor breaks free of abuse.
And finally, many (not all, but many) survivors do one other thing, sooner or later: They go back to help others. They take what knowledge they have and their experiences and start sharing with others. They reach out to victims with a helping hand. They try to help society understand the problem. They support every "young survivor" (any person who has just crossed that same turning point) with hope, understanding and the support they so desperately need.
I will always believe very strongly that being a survivor of domestic violence means being a former victim, and having moved on by putting the perpetrator behind them.
Kim Eyer, © 2002
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